Leave the Lore on the Floor
by Jack Motley
Summary: Picking on Blizzard's idea of World of Warcraft lore, looking for a giggle. Warning: GNo mercy!
1. Hail, Garrosh!

The stuff I do to get a 'lol' out of guildmates, AIM contacts and forumnites.

P.S. Also a fine break from angsty Cyndori Dawnstrider.

**One cold, bitter day in Warsong Hold… **

Saurfang: "Lok'tar Ogar, Garrosh Hellscream, you must sign these requisition forms, for the Horde!"  
Garrosh: "Forms? A true Warchief does not sign forms!"  
Saurfang: "Luckily for us all, you're not the Warchief...yet. Now sign here on the blood-splattered line! (Stupid little poser…)  
Garrosh: "Would my father, Grom Hellscream, sign forms? He was a savage Orc, blooded in many battles! He did not sign mere forms, no matter how much blood of virgin Gnomes lay upon it!"  
Saurfang: "A: You thought your father was a coward, you stupid little hypocrite. B: We really need this supply of axes to cut down some trees someone else owns, preemptively. C: Your father was an illiterate that usually signed with a scribbling of him and Warchief Thrall frolicking through the meadows. And D: You probably couldn't interpret this in pictographs, moron, so sign here."  
Garrosh: "How do I know what I'm signing isn't some proclamation of my guilt in some massive, upcoming conspiracy?"  
Saurfang: "What?"  
Garrosh: "Nothing. Sign here on the blood-splattered line, then?"  
Saurfang: -whisks away the form- "Now, onto other matters…like how not to be an absolute, pork-eating douche, douche."

**Two minutes later… **  
Orc Herald: "Hey, shut the fel up, you idiots! I have an important announcement to make: 'I, Garrosh Hellscream, do proclaim my enjoyment of kittens, pretty bowties, lace, sugar, spice, Blood Elves of both sexes, and frolicking through Nagrand listening to Hanson and weeping softly to myself about how one day I will suck less than my father, who I really didn't hate, really.' Signed, the Prettiest Little Emo Warchief Wannabee, Garrosh Hellscream!"  
Garrosh: "SAURFANG!"  
Saurfang: "Oh, man, dawg, Thrall, man…" -laughing- "He's such an idiot!"  
Thrall: "Too bad I'll do nothing about him!"  
-both laugh it up-  
Saurfang: "Yeah, so, you rang your boy, Cairne, lately?"  
Thrall: "Who's that?"  
**  
Meanwhile, in the Undercitycave… **  
Varimathas: "Unholy willickers, my Lady, what happened to your voice!"  
Sylvanas: "You know what, uh, Varimathas, dude; I just, you know, like, going through all this transformation stuff and junk…you know?"  
Varimathas: "I have no idea, my Lady, but I'm sure it's quite retarded."  
Sylvanas: "Yeahhh, you know, I'm gonna be a ghoul and junk!" -bounces- "I'll look all pretty for Arthas, you know, and stufff?"  
Varimathas: "You know whattt? I think you don't pay me enough for this, and junk. I'll betray you."  
Sylvanas: -giggles- "Okay, but blame it on Putress and junk, okay?"  
Putress: "I get to be an important character, yea! …Who am I, again? Oh well. Fire ze blight cannons! Ahhh, motherland!!"

**Back in Northend… **  
Bolvar: "Whew, we really beat those Scourge up during that awesome cutscene, didn't we?"  
Alliance soldiers: "Holy Light!"  
Bolvar: "What? Is it those green, putrid balls of fiery doom descending upon us?"  
Alliance soldiers: "You have a unique voice now!"  
EXPLOSIONS, CATASTROPHE, MELTING FACES, RED DRAGONS!

**At the Frozen Throne… **  
Arthas: "Man, I could really go for a smoothie."

**Back in Ogrimmar…somehow…a Mage done it… **  
Thrall: "So, the Forsaken betrayed us by throwing barrels of plague on our troops at Wrathgate?"  
Saurfang: "Yup."  
Thrall: "This is after that whole betrayal at the Broken Front thing, too?"  
Saurfang: "Yup."  
Thrall: "That's totally not my fault."  
Saurfang: "Nope."  
Thrall: "I'm totally not mentioning your son died in this thing."  
Saurfang: "Yup."  
Thrall: "So…blame Garrosh?"  
Saurfang: "Yup!"  
Zol'jin: "You can't just blame Garrosh, mon! …Wait, did the author even spell my name right?"  
Thrall: "Who's that?"  
Saurfang: "Fel if I know. It seems to be trying to communicate."  
Vol'jin: "Is it Vol'jin, mon? I feel so unimportant to this story, nowadays."  
Thrall: "Oh well. What's our justification for blaming Garrosh?"  
Saurfang: "He's a brown orc?"  
Thrall: "Racism within a race serving as the punching bag for racism! Brilliant!"  
Who'jin: "Whatever my name is, is gonna go sit over there in the corner now, mon…"  
Thrall: "So, how do we go about punishing him? Exiled to the Barrens, Ambassador to Goldshire Inn, finally locating Mankrik's wife?"  
That Troll Dude: "Now that's just insulting, mon."  
Saurfang: "No no, Warchief, I have a better idea."  
Thrall: "Let's hear it."  
Saurfang: "Are you ready? … Chick flicks."  
The entire room gasps in horror.  
Thrall: "But where are we going to find chick flicks in Ogrimmar?"  
Saurfang: "You know those Blood Elves been sitting over there for the last, oh, forever?"  
Thrall: "Oh yeah. Almost forgot about them. …Which one's the chick?"  
Saurfang: "I didn't know they had genders."

**At Silvermoon… **  
Lord Lothemar: "Hey, alright, I get to play a role in—"

**Back in Ogrimmar…. **  
Thrall: "I love doing that."

**Still in Ogrimmar, in need of a scene change… **  
Garrosh: "You summoned me, Warchief?"  
Thrall: -looks over at Saurfang and rolls his eyes. "Obviouslyyy, Garrosh. Unless we found enough Mages to portal your fat arse across the sea."  
What'jin: "Warlocks did it!"  
Garrosh: "A true Warchief doesn't summon with demonic magic!"  
Saurfang: "He's right, Warchief. The Gnomish Launching device still falls a tad short reaching across continents."  
Thrall: "We were shortchanged on the specs?"  
A Succubus cracks her whip in the background, forcing a Captive Leper Gnome to perform a rimshot.  
Thrall: "Ah-hah, I'm awesome."  
What'jin: "Gonna go drown, mon. Have fun!"  
Garrosh: "A true Warchief does not crack terrible puns! A true Warchief—"  
Saurfang: "Aw, shut up, 'tard. You're here to atone for what you maybe did and didn't do at Wrathgate."  
Garrosh: "I wasn't even at Wrathgate! They couldn't afford me being in two cutscenes in the same expansion! They'd think I'd be involved in the future story, with all this attention."  
Thrall: "In all my wisdom and impeccable foresight, that'll never happen, of course."  
Garrosh: "Of course."  
Saurfang: "Of course."  
Thrall: "Why are we repeating each other ominously?"  
Saurfang: "I have no idea, but let's see what's on tap… Uh, you over there, Blood Elf, person…thingy… What's playing for our honored guest?"  
Random, non-descript Blood Elf: "Sure, honey! First up is Season 1 of Sex in the City."  
Everyone in the room gasps in horror.  
Random, non-descript Blood Elf…possibly not heterosexual: "For our second showing, we have Brokeback Mountain, yeaaa!"  
The Kok'ron Elite run out of the room screaming.  
Random, non-descript Blood Elf with a now contradictory description: "For our finale—and I love this one soooo much!"  
Garrosh, tears streaming down his face: "No! Nooo! You are a terrible, demon-worshipping peoples!"  
Blood Elf: "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 1 and 2, yeaaa!" -flails about-  
Garrosh descends into mindless gibberish, curled into the fetal position.  
Thrall: "Saurfang."  
Saurfang: "Yes, Warchief?"  
Thrall: "You don't get to come to movie night."

**Meanwhile, in Shattrath City… **  
A'dal: "There is a disturbance in the Light."  
Khadgar: "…Oh, wait, am I important to this plot—"  
A'dal: "It is as if a million Orcish minds scream in unison."  
Kael'thalas: "Tempest Keep was but a setback!"  
A'dal: "SHUT UP, ELF! I'M RIPPING OFF STAR WARS OVER HERE! … Yes, where was I…?"  
Kael'thalas: "I'm telling Illidan!"  
A'dal: "OH, MISTER I SIT IN MY OBVIOUS TEMPLE OF ANGST AND ASSESS PEOPLE'S PREPARDNESS? I'M SO SCARED! WHAT'S NEXT? AN ANGRY FEL REAVER?"  
Draenai: "Um, pardon us, your Lightness?"  
A'dal: "WHAT? WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME? LIGHT THIS, LIGHT THAT. SAVEEE ME FROM DEMONS! WAH, WAH, WAH…"  
Draenai: "Perhaps another time, then…"

**  
Meanwhile, in Stormwind… **  
Varian: "Honey, I'm home! Oh…wait..." -sadface-


	2. Undah da sea!

**Now with more Stormwind scenery…**  
Varian: "Hail to the king, baby!"  
Commoner: "You're as cliché as your character, my King!"  
Varian: "That's right, as I walk these cobbled streets; my people adore me, for I am the ruler of Stormwind!  
Anduin: "Um, father?"  
Varian: "Yes, walking the streets upright, boldly, proudly, and other inspiring statures and gestures to show off how much of an awesome guy I am!"  
Anduin: "Father? About the kingdom—"  
Varian: "I am of two minds—two minds! (I must not cease to remind them of my dual past, of course!)—of this recent development with the Horde. Of course, I should give them a chance, even after all they've done in—"  
Random Soldier: "Sir, the Horde attacked us at the Broken Front all very dramatically!"  
Varian: "Death to the Horde!!"  
Anduin: "Father, shouldn't we at least try to talk—"  
Varian: "Oh, right, I did have a child, didn't I?"  
Random Soldier: "Sir, the boy has a point. The Horde normally—"  
Varian: "I am a fair and reasonable king!" -slaps the guard down, to the ground- "That was dramatic, and a new and interesting facet of my developing character!"  
Anduin: "Umm, father…?"  
Varian: "What what WHATTT? Jeez, it's like you haven't had to fend on your own for a year and some change, or something. 'Daddy, daddy, I ruled Stormwind in your place!' Yes, son, we are all very proud of you."  
Jaina Proudmoore warps in.  
Varian: "Oh, you can already go to hell."

**All the while, over in Ironforge…  
**Senator Redstone: "So, how's your daughter, my Lord?"  
King Bronzebeard: [Expletive Deleted] youuuu!"  
Mekkatorque: "Wait, that's all we get—"

**Meanwhile, over in Thunder Bluff…  
**Cairne: "So, no one is watching?"  
Hamul Runetotem: "Nope."  
Cairne: "Hey, Magatha?"  
Magatha: "Oh, what do you want now, you old coot?"  
Cairne snickers with Hamul.  
Cairne: "Say, I heard if you commune with the spirits of the wind, you can float gently off the sides of Thunder Bluff to the bountiful plains of Mulgore. Is this true? It would be a great boon to our people."  
Magatha: "Of course it's true! Of course, neither of you are worthy of such spirit's favor!"  
Hamul: "Oh? Just yesterday, I took flight as a bird and glided over great herds of Kodo."  
Magatha: "Bull[beep]."  
Hamul: "Why, I marked my name in the cliffs below Thunder Bluff while I was at it. Go look for yourself, if you don't believe me."  
Magatha: "Fine. I will. Spirits go with me!"  
Cairne leans in, whispering: "What did you do with her Air Totem, anyways?"  
Hamul leans back in to Cairne, whispering: "It vibrates when you piss the elements off enough."  
Fifty feet down the side of the cliff…  
Magatha: "Damn you, Cairne Bloodhooooffffff!"  
At the top of Thunder Bluff…  
Cairne: "Awesome."  
Hamul: "Awesome."  
Cairne and Hamul exchange a high-three.

**Undah the sea, where everyting is wettah, undah tha sea!  
**Deathwing: "I'M QUITE INSANE!"  
Azshara: "Yes, dear, we've quite established that."  
Deathwing: "I HAVE METAL FOR SKIN!"  
Azshara: "Yes, amazingly enough, this was one of your saner ideas."  
Deathwing: "IT HOLDS IN MY ENORMOUS, BURNING HATRED FOR EVERYTHING!"  
Azshara: "When you say everything--"  
Deathwing: "EVERYTHING!"  
Azshara: "Yes, you see, I have a problem with that, dear. You can't be insane."  
Deathwing: "WHAT?"  
Azshara: "See, the insane bit is a bit...overplayed."  
Deathwing: "I HAVE LOREEE! THERE IS METAL IN MY SKINNN!"  
Azshara: "Anddd, we can't really have that, dear. Illidan went insane, Arthas went insane, Kael'thalas went insane. Insane is so cliche. We need you to be original, this time."  
Deathwing: "BUT...DEATHWING ORIGINAL INSANE VILLAIN! SEE? DEATHWING CHANGE TO THIRD PERSON WITHOUT REASON! DEATHWING HAVE METAL IN SKIN!"  
Azshara: "And we do have to work on your motives a bit."  
Deathwing: "I'M BLOWING UP THE WORLD!"  
Azshara: "Uh-huh, but for what reason, really?"  
Deathwing: "I'M FREGGEN INSANE!"  
Azshara: "Yes, but that's entirely too logical, you understand? We can understand this concept. We need you to do something completely out of character...like own a puppy."  
Deathwing: "Aw, puppies are cute--DEATHWING WILL NOT BE DISTRACTED! NO PUPPIES!"  
Azshara: "We can always say you're out to destroy Azeroth, because of some unrequited love?"  
Deathwing: "TOO CLICHE!"  
Azshara: "How about if you team up with demons, to rule Azeroth?"  
Deathwing: "Pardon me, madam, perhaps you did not quite understand me the first time--I'M FREGGEN INSANE! I'LL DESTROY AZEROTH!"  
Azshara: "Right...and about that repair bill--"  
Deathwing: "FOR THE METAL IN MY SKINNN!"  
Azshara: "Yes, that. The bill just came in...here you go."  
Deathwing reads.  
Deathwing: "HOLY FRAK! THERE IS EVILLER GREATER THAN I! AND I'M FREGGEN INSANE!"  
Azshara: "So...it's all because you were jilted on your repair bill?"  
Deathwing: "WORKS FOR ME!"


	3. Death Death Revolution

**Over in Icecrown Citadel... **  
Arthas sips on a smoothie. Kel'thuzad and Heigen play DDR.  
Arthas: "Damned ghouls. I asked for peach!"  
KT: "You know, if you brought them out of the ground with more brain matter, you wouldn't have these problems. But, nooo... 'They're ghouls. What's the worst that could happen?'"  
Arthas: "Don't get sassy with me, Mister I-Bubble-Hearthed-Naxxramas."  
Heigen: "Super! Mega! Ultra! Awesome Combo! Whoo! Take that and stuff it up your phylactery, boneboy!"  
KT: "Dammit, Heigen! Is this all you do all day? Sit in the Lich King's basement, eating cheetos and playing this stupid game! Get a life!"  
Heigen: "But...I'm dead."  
Arthas: "Yes, that whole 'I'll kill you' thing is a bit of a persistent problem." Sips his smoothie. "How can you keep people in line if they're dead, anyways?"  
KT: "Shouldn't we be discussing more important things, like that stadium the living built at the foot of our citadel? You know, the one ran by that guy who kicked your butt at Light's Hope... You know... With the Ashbringer?"  
Arthas: "Ah, it was just part of my master plan; just as it is letting them play Horsie down there."  
KT: "You haven't had a Master Plan since you merged as the Lich King. 'Oh, Invincible died. Jaina doesn't return my messenger skeletal birds. My arse is cold, turn up the heat.' Yak yak yak...  
Arthas: "Mind your words, Lich. I am..."  
Arthas rises dramatically from the Frozen Throne, teeters, wobbles, flails his arms, falls down the steps onto his face. Smoothie flies everywhere.  
Heigen: "Horrendously overweight, sir! How about some DDR?"  
Arthas: "Heigen...when I remove Frostmourne from the crack of my arse, I'm going to do terrible, unmentionable things to you."  
KT leans in to whisper to Heigen: "Don't worry. Last time this happened, we had to bring in a Frostwyrm to lift him off the floor."  
KT: "Ahem. Do you require assistance, my Master?"  
Arthas: "Nope. Nope. I can do this all by myself!"

**One hour later... **  
Arthas: "Oh, look, there's a cockroach scurrying along down here. It seems to be one of the living."  
KT: "Brilliant deduction, sir."  
KT fails out of DDR, again.  
Heigen: "Hah hah! I've seen one-legged abominations dance better than you!"  
Heigen busts out into Hammertime, followed by the Moonwalk, and front flips into a split; a hand out to face KT.  
KT: "Did you just face me? ME? The Lord of Naxxramas?"  
Heigen: "You may be the Lord of Naxxramas, but you're not--" Sparkly, elaborate dance maneuvers. "LORD OF THE DANCE!"  
Arthas: "I'm alright. Don't worry about me! You two keep going on. This is just...uh...a minor setback."  
**  
Another hour later, the door bell rings... **  
Arthas: "Someone get that. I'm...resting."  
KT: "Godammit, Heigen! You no-life having mother[expletive deleted]!"  
Heigen: "I'll get it! You play the rest of this track, KT. Maybe you'll be caught up with my brilliance by the time I get back!"  
Heigen spins and twirls to the door.  
KT: "You know--"  
KT misses a step.  
KT: "[expletive deleted] "You know, Yogg-Saron died and the living saved the world from reorigination?"  
Arthas: "All part of my plan, of course."  
KT: "Uh-huh...and all of your plans encompassed the death of an Old God and the second coming of the Titans? Really?"  
Arthas: "Of course! Just because I keep running away, yelling, 'Next time, Gadget, next timeee!' does not mean I don't have a plan. I just haven't deemed it a fitting time to reveal my mind-blowing scheme to...well, you'll just have to wait and see."  
KT: "Oh, the same plan that includes lying on your stomach, looking like a fool?"  
Arthas: "I'm assessing the strength of the floor."  
Heigen spins and twirls back in, a trail of glowy sparkles in his wake.  
Heigen: "A visitor, sir."  
Illidan: "Sup, bitch!"  
Arthas: "Oh, that's just freggen perfect..."

**Over at Ebon Hold... **  
Darion: "So, um...Deekay, what makes you think you're a good candidate to be raised again as a Death Knight?"  
Deekay: "Well, I'm dead."  
Darion: "Yes, an impressive line on your resume, that. What else?"  
Deekay: "Did I mention I'm not very happy about this?"  
Darion: "Hm, no, but it's definitely a plus."  
Darion scoots forward in his chair, adjusting his reading glasses.  
Darion: "What would you say your best qualities are?"  
Deekay: "Well, back when I was still alive, I used to go about killing critters to maintain my Rage in between ganking lowbies around Tarren Mill. I think that qualifies me to command Scourge; I'm clearly evil, clearly."  
Darion: "Hm, what would you say your greatest fault is?"  
Deekay: "Welll, that's a tough one. People say I'm too good of a ganker. Like, I enjoy jumping people on my epic mount when they have no chance to get away, then hiding behind trees for seconds. You see, Darion--can I call you Darion? I'm a very patient ganker."  
Darion: "An obsessed stalker, you would say?"  
Deekay: "Oh yes! Oh yes! Like I'll stalk the Lich King to death!"  
Darion: "Yes, how good of you."  
Darion glances down the resume.  
Darion: "So, tell me about how you died?"  
Deekay: "Well, it was a warm, sunny--I mean, cold, dreary day! I was in the Plaguelands, and being the awesome killer that I was, I took on a bunch of undead at once. I was like: WHOOSHHH, Whirlwind and Cleaveee!"  
Darion: "Intriguing sound effects."  
Deekay: "Oh, yeah, and then like a jillion more popped out of the ground and ate me brain."  
Darion: "Terrible."  
Deekay: "They... They ate my medula oblongata first, and...and...then they started on the squishy parts..."  
Darion: "Riveting. Next!"  
Deekay: "Hey, wait! Is that it? I still have more angst to tell you about! I can angst! I can angst SOOO hard! I'll angst--wait, what are you doing with that trap thinga-majig? No! NOO!! I regret everything!!"  
-fwip!-  
Ghoul approaches, holding a still shaking trapping device.  
Ghoul: "Two dollah charge, Mistah Darion."  
Darion: "You guys are a rip-off."


	4. Heartmourne?

**At the Tournament Grounds,**  
Tirion: "So, Arthas has Frostmourne, and now we're looking for Shadowmourne?"  
Darion: "That seems to be the case."  
Tirion: "I don't know. It seems kind of strange."  
Darion: "Oh, you mean how the greatest, most vile, most corrupt artifact in Azeroth suddenly has a cousin?"  
Tirion: "Well, that, and what kind of can of worms are we really opening here?"  
Darion: "Let's not talk about worms, please."  
Tirion: "Oh, right, the whole dead thing."  
Darion: "It's a continuing problem."  
Tirion: "Anyways! There's two apparent Mournes here, so why not more?"  
Darion: "That couldn't conceivably be possible. Two Mournes are enough. Plus, that whole thing about there being not enough of that kind of power to go around. I mean, really, who do these people making these things think they are? It's a dilution of absolute power!"  
Tirion: "Well, humor me here for a moment, but if there's now a Frostmourne and a Shadowmourne, then there should be, I dunno…a Flamemourne, or something?"  
Darion: "What, like, forged by Ragnaros or something?"  
Tirion: "It'd fit the elemental structure. Heck, there might be a, I dunno, Terramourne or something."  
Darion: "Hah! Terramourne... It's like a bad naming convention. 'Oh, I see what you did there. It actually says Terrormourne. You're a genius.' Where would you get it from, anyways?"  
Tirion: "The Dwarves?"  
Darion: "Oh, don't you start. Next thing to come out of your mouth, you'll claim there's an Aquamourne from the deep depths of Deepholme."  
Tirion: "Or a Breezemourne from that one Elemental God, what'shisface. Murmur?"  
Darion: "Get out!"  
Tirion raises the Ashbringer.  
Tirion: "Lightmourne."  
Darion: "Get the [bleep] out!"  
Tirion: "So…what happens if you find them all?"

**Later…**  
The Captain: "By your legendary weapons combined, I am, Captain Planetmourne!"

**Back at the Tournament Grounds…**  
Darion: "Nice job. You've unleashed the eternal wrath of the Elemental Plane."  
Tirion: "Not to worry. I have a cunning plan to resolve this problem!"  
Darion looks around.  
Darion: "It doesn't involve tournaments, horses and jousting, does it?"  
Tirion: "How did you know?"  
Darion sighs.

**Over in Darnassus…**  
Malfurion: "Captain Planetmourne, he's our hero! Taking pollution down to zero!"  
Tyrande: "Honey, I love you, but sing that one more time and you can forget about sex for the next ten-thousand years."  
Malfurion: "Aw…"

**At the Elemental Plane…**  
Ragnaros: "So, Murmur, been a few thousand years. What's up?"  
Murmur: "HONKKK, WHIRRRR, SCREEE!"  
Ragnaros: "I know, right? I hate that. It gets up my ass and itches like a mother. How do you resolve it?"  
Murmur: "HONNKK, HONKKK, WHIRRRR!"  
Ragnaros: "Right, but where do you get it?"  
Murmur: "WHIRRR!"  
Ragnaros: "Uh-huh."  
Murmur: "SCREEEE! WHIRRRRR!"  
Ragnaros: "Ouch, man. You know they make a patch for that?"  
Murmur: "SCREEEE!"  
Ragnaros: "Jeez, man, you don't have to get all offended. It was just a suggestion."  
Hydraxis appears.  
Hydraxis: "Sup dudes? How's it hanging? Ragnaros! How goes the banishment, man?"  
Ragnaros: "Too soon, Hydraxis, too soon."  
Hydraxis: "Harsh, dude. Harsh."  
Murmur: "WHIRR!"  
Ragnaros: "Oh, everyone's a [bleep]ing comedian these days."

**At the Sunwell…**  
Velen: "You did a good thing here today, saving the Sunwell, redeeming the lost energy of a Naaru and banishing the Demon Lord Kil'jaeden back to the Twisting Nether."  
Player: "I know! We're awesome like that, me and twenty-four of my bestest best friends!"  
Velen: "Now what will you do, Great Hero of the Light?"  
Player: "I'm going to Disneyland!"  
Velen: "Where?"  
Player: "Oh, right. I'm going to Northend!"

**At Northrend…**  
Player: "Finally! A new continent to explore, new epics to obtain and the continuation of my great saga as a Hero of Azeroth!"  
Random Tuskarr: "Welcome to the Frozen North."  
Player: "Cool! You have tusks!  
Tuskarr: "So, ready for your big journey?"  
Player: "Yeah, let's go! Where's Arthas?"  
Tuskarr: "You are not yet ready for Icecrown Citadel."  
Player: "Wait. What? I'll have you know I've killed a ten-thousand year old half-demon madman, saved Outland numerous times from the threat of the Legion, gone back in time and saved Thrall and ensured the continuing timeline continuity, and not to mention saving Azeroth from Kil-fucking-jaeden himself, subsequently redeeming the _entire _Blood Elf race _and_ preserving the Sunwell, while at it?"  
Tuskarr: "I require 10 moose horns."  
Player: "For WHAT? Will it save you and your family from extinction or something?"  
Tuskarr: "I am making moose horn soup."  
Player: "[beep] your soup! I took down a Demon Lord here!"  
Tuskarr: "Then, no soup for you."  
Player: "Why would I want your stupid soup, anyways?"  
Player looks at the stats.  
Player: "Holy [beep]! Look at the Stamina from this shiz! Where are these moose again?"  
Tuskarr: "Far, far north. And while you're at it, you should talk to my brother."  
Player: "Why? Is he offering some awesome blue upgrade?"  
Tuskarr: "Yes."  
Player: "Woohoo!"  
Tuskarr: "For picking up moose droppings."  
Player: "[expletives deleted]"  
Tuskarr: "It good sword, though!"  
Player: "Right. Doo it is!"


	5. We are so very bored

**At the gates of Stormwind**…

Stormwind Guard 1: "Being labeled 1 is sooo demeaning…"

Stormwind Guard 2: "Yeah, but how is anyone going to tell us apart? I mean, am I blond or redheaded, or what, underneath all this gear? I'd totally not be able to determine the gender of the women guards, if it wasn't for that cute way they do that thing with their legs."

Guard 1: "Oh, you mean that thing with our legs we guys do now?"

Guard 2: "What? No way!"

Guard 2 idles for a moment…leans femininely on one leg.

Guard 2: "Oh, bull[beep]! When did that happen?"

Guard 1: "About the same time we got our promotions to 75."

Guard 2: "Pfbt, yeah, fat lot that did any of us. 'Oh no, look out, maybe someone who hasn't been to Northend will come through, and we can (maybe) kick their ass.' I'd rather farm Kobolds or something."

Guard 1: "I tried farming Kobolds."

Guard 2: "Yeah, how did that turn out for you?"

Guard 1: "It's not what it's cracked up to be. My wife's not too hot on candles, anyways; not after that, uh, 'incident' with the scented candles in our bathtub."

Guard 2: "Dude, seriously, TMI."

Guard 1: "Sorry. It's just standing here, staring at the same place all the time gets kinda frustrating. Yup…staring at the same spot… Exciting."

Guard 2: "You can always try adventuring? Those guys run through here all the time, loaded down to the gills with gold. Do you know they have to _pay_ for mounts, repairs for their armor, food expenses, and they don't even have houses?"

Guard 1: "Hah hah, stupid adventurers. That's the thing that most keeps me from going the adventuring route. That and the whole 'Fetch boy' problem. It's like they'll do anything for a copper; even slit their own mother's throats."

Guard 2: "Naw, that's just an exaggeration. They're heroes, right? They gotta have some ethics."

Guard 1: "Naw, check this out…"

Guard 1 whistles a passing level 80 over.

Guard 1: "Hey, Druid 'ol buddy? Slit your cute, cuddly, adorable Panda companion pet's throat, and I'll give you this shiny blue mace, how's the sound?"

Adventurer: "Okay!"

Panda dies gurgling and frothing blood.

Guard 2: "Impressive!"

Guard 1: "Here you go! One shiny new mace…and pick your corpse up before you leave, please. Thank you, and have a nice day."

Adventurer whistles on his merry way, bloody Panda in tow.

Guard 2: "That wasn't your military issue mace, was it?"

Guard 1: "Ah, naw, it was surplus from the Armory. You wouldn't believe how many of those things they have and just give away."

Guard 2: "I thought Stormwind was short on supplies?"

Guard 1: "Remember the Ahn-Qiraji war effort?"

Guard 2: "Oh, the one where the adventurers had to collect something like millions of piece of gear, food and items?"

Guard 1: "And the one where the adventurers did all the fighting, anyways?"

Guard 2: "Ohhh…"

Guard 1: "Exactly."

Guard 2: "Stupid adventurers—wait…"

Guard 1 stiffens up and looks away as a level 80 Horde passes through the gate.

Guard 2: "Was that…?"

Guard 1: "I didn't see nothing."

Guard 2: "Yeah…but he's Horde. Shouldn't we, I dunno…do something?"  
Guard 1: "Are you kidding me? Did you see how big that sword was, or how much glowy bits he had on him? Screw that!"

Guard 2: "So, we're just looking the other way on this one?"

Guard 1: "Hey, man, twenty feet rule, far as I'm concerned. See no evil."

**20 minutes and lots of distant screaming, smoke and magic explosions later…**

Guard 3: "Yo, didn't you guys see that big group of Horde come through?

Guard 1: "What Horde?"

Guard 2: "Yeah, what Horde? I didn't see any Horde."

Guard 3: "Dudes, King Wrynn is dead, and all of Stormwind is in chaos, and they came through _your_ gate."

Guard 1: "King Wrynn's dead? Awesome! I mean…that's terrible…but no Horde came through here."

Guard 2: "Yeah, did you guys check the Tram?"

Guard 3: "What? The Tram? We've never thought to check the Tram! To the Tram!"

Guard 3 takes off.

Guard 1: "They never check the Tram."

Guard 2: "Didn't they make that impassible or something like that, not too long ago?"

Guard 1: "Hell if I know! I just know—"

Guard 1 and 2 look the other way as a Horde raid group zips back out through the gate.

Guard 1 waves.

Guard 1: "Bye bye, Mr. Hordey!"

Guard 2: "Dude…don't wave at the Horde."

**In Ironforge…**

Draenai Shaman Trainer: "So, Mr. Redbeard, you want to be a Shaman?"

Redbeard: "Yup! Hit me up with your 'ol nature hoodily-doodily!"

Shaman: "I really do not believe Dwarves can be Shamans."

Redbeard: "Well, how do ya figure? The Wildhammer can be Shaman!"

Shaman: "Yes, but they live in the Wild—hence the name, Wildhammer. You, sir, live in an underground excavation monstrosity you call your home city."

Redbeard: "So? If one of us can be Shaman, all of us can be Shaman, yeah?"

Shaman: "I do not believe you fully comprehend how this works. You and your kin are not Wildhammer. You are the parasitic abominations that burrow to the core of Mother Earth and fester within her womb with your ore-saturated lava, your mockeries of natural life you call machines, and to top it all off: you pollute terribly."

Redbeard: "So? I might be a quarter Wildhammer, or somethin'!"

Shaman: "No, Mr. Redbeard, I do believe you to be a flesh-based heathen far removed from the earth, cocooned in the safety of your metals, black powders and machinations. Once more, I must reiterate, you and I both stand in Ironforge, your city. It…irritates the elements, somewhat."

Redbeard: "Well, let's just say I learn an Earth spell here and there, and we'll go from there, alright?"

Shaman: "Your density astounds…but I shall digress. Here, use this Earth totem, and summon an Elemental to your service."

Redbeard: "Outstanding! … Where's the button for this doo-hicky, anyways?"

Shaman sighs. "Here, let me do it for you."

Shaman summons an Earth Elemental, who looks around for a moment, taking in its surroundings.

Earth Elemental: "I…don't…like…this…place."

Redbeard: "Hey, neato! This one sounds like one of them Voidwalkers!"

Earth Elemental backhands Redbeard, sending him into a pool of forge lava.

Shaman: "Crude, effective, and pleasantly ironic."

Earth Elemental: "Captain Planetmourne…will hear…of this…transgression."

Shaman: "Yes, yes, sundering and devastation. The usual agitated elemental fare."

**Over in the Exodar…**

Velen: "What have we learned from this crash landing incident?"

Draenai 1: "Never pick up Blood Elf hitchhikers?"

Draenai 2: "Ooh, ooh…! Always read the manual before operating any transdimensional vessel?"

Draenai 3: "Transdimensionality is more than a three-dimensional concept?"

Draenai 4: "Hey, our voices echo in here! Hello!"

Echo_: Hello, hello, hellooo…_

Velen: "Yes, awesome. Go, Draenai…"

**In Icecrown Citadel…**

Arthas: "Frostmourne hungers! …For more of that delicious pie, KT!"

KT: "My Lord, I must protest. Do you not realize that the forces of the Light are literally standing outside our gate at this very instant? I mean, whatever happened to a perimeter, and proper stone-throwing and arrow launching from a decent stone ramparts?"

Arthas: "Couldn't afford it."

KT: "Yes…I wonder why…?"

Arthas: "Don't worry, KT, I have it all under control. This is just another step in my deep, complex, well thought-out plan."

KT: "That's a relief. For a minute there, I thought being routed all across Northend was just your usual incompetency."

Arthas: "Well, KT, in my defense, this_ is _World of Warcraft; not Warcraft. If this were back in my RTS days, they'd be right proper fucked."

KT: "Weren't you 10-manned by some Archers, Priests and Knights, back then?"

Arthas: "…I don't like to bring that up, thank you very much."

KT: "I believe your father would."

Arthas sighs. "Must you? Really, KT? He's been standing back there the entire time, pissing and moaning about how I killed him. It's not like people don't get killed _all_ the time. You'd think people wouldn't take it so serious. I mean, you're dead, and you seem fine."

KT: "Well, I am an all-powerful Lich with a cold, dead heart and an army at my command…plus my cute widdly kitty. But I digress. Getting killed isn't all it's cracked up to be. One second you're breathing warm air, and the next, well…let's just say rigor is an inconvenience."

Arthas: "At least you sorta stayed dead. I don't know what the deal is with the rest of those undead guys I killed. You'd think bringing them back to life with the side purpose of turning them into my mindless Scourge minions would make them thankful towards me, but nooo… Bad Arthas is bad! 'He touched my living spirit in the bad place with his cold finger of reanimation! I must cry foul and to plenty!'"

KT: "To be fair, my Lord, you were a bit of a douche towards Sylvannas."

Arthas: "Who?"

KT: "Your _other_ girlfriend?"

Arthas: "Ohhh…Miss Love You/Hate You. She's hotter dead, lemme tell you."

KT: "I…do not want to go further down this road."

Arthas: "She had a mighty fine ass that I witnessed while I chased her down around Quel'thalas."

KT: "Okay, I've had enough of this mental anguish for one day, thank you very much, my Lord!"

Arthas: "Hey, KT, if you see Jaina while you're around their little invasion…?"

KT sighs. "Yes, yes, cold shoulder routine. Gotta make the girls work for it."


	6. Time travel is serious business!

**In Ogrimmar…**

Thrall: "Saurfang, we really must do something about the Lich King!"

Saurfang: "Wait, my Warchief…how did we go from unmercifully torturing Garrosh for his supposed crimes, to all serious and stuff?"

Thrall: "It's plot, goddammit!"

Saurfang: "Oh _now_ we care about plot."

Thrall: "He attacked Ogrimmar! We cannot let this matter lie! We must take action!"

Saurfang: "So have a few dozen Alliance every day, and you still haven't closed the back door. Why do we need a bridge to the Barrens, anyways? What's over there? Some hyenas, a lion or two, and people yelling back and forth discussing martial artists and the mystery of poor Mankrik's wife?"

Thrall: "It's vital to keep a line open to the Warsong forces, and Ashenvale."

Saurfang: "Yeahhh…about that, Warchief… Did you know the Night Elves are letting the Highborne back in?"

Thrall: "The High-who?"

Saurfang: "The Highborne. You know, summoning the Lord of Demons to Azeroth, Sundering the world, mana storms, drought, famine, starting the war with the Burning Legion Azeroth has dealt with for the past ten-thousand years, destroying the Well of Eternity, and being banished from Night Elf civilization, to where some eventually evolved into Naga? You know, the usual doom and calamity, and it's mostly all their fault?"

Thrall: "Oh _those_ Highborne… What's your point?"

Saurfang sighs.

Saurfang: "Okay, check this out, right?"

Saurfang pulls out the finger puppets: One tall, thin, big-boobed, and with long, purple hair. The other: a big, mean Orc with pointy teeth and humongous shoulder pads.

Saurfang: "So, we fight the Night Elves over cutting down some trees, because we were all like…"

Saurfang prances the Orc puppet through the imaginary woods.

Orc puppet: "Ooh, lookit all this abundant and awesome wood that surely no one owns or cares about!"

Orc puppet spins around, mimicking taking swings of an axe

Orc puppet: "Nothing could ever go wrong with this plan! All hail Grom!"

Night Elf puppet hits Orc puppet in the back.

Orc puppet: "Ow! The mysterious, tall, savage elf thing hit me without provocation. Orc-smash!"

Saurfang smashes the two puppets together, making them fight.

Orc puppet: "My wood!"

Night Elf puppet:"'No, my wood!"

Orc puppet: "Lok'tar ogar, I'll capture your flag, hah hah hah! I have your banner, now be shamed and have your woods burnt down! Orc-smash!"

Night Elf puppet: "Noooo! Not our woods!"

Orc puppet: "Yes!"

Night Elf puppet: "You monsters! We'll never be nice with the Horde, and be eternally hateful and hold a grudge for ever and ever and ever!"

Saurfang pulls another Night Elf puppet from…somewhere.

Highborne puppet: "I'm a Highborne! I cast the Fireballs that makes the peoples falls downs! …And occasionally rips the world asunder."

Night Elf puppet: "Yea, Highborne, who destroyed the original Well of Eternity, allowed foul demons into Azeroth, and ultimately caused the loss of the first World Tree—costing all of us our immortality!"

Highborne puppet: "Yea, arcane magic!"

Night Elf puppet: "Yea, arcane magic!"

Orc puppet: "So, about that lumber…?"

Night Elf/Highborne puppet: "They cut down trees! Death to the Horde!"

Saurfang tosses away all three puppets, hitting Vol'jin, who doesn't get a reaction shot.

Saurfang: "See the inherent problem?"

Thrall: "I liked the Night Elf puppet! Let's see him again!"

Saurfang: "I…what…?"

Thrall: "If only we had a better solution to the Lich King problem; a solution that goes to the very core of just why the Scourge and the Burning Legion afflict Azeroth so. Perhaps even a contrived, cliché solution, stretching the very suspension of disbelief, and perhaps even in such a way to make mockery of all reasonable and well-thought out solutions that preceded it!"

Saurfang: "Oh, like going insane?"

Thrall: "**No. **I mean more like—"

A portal opens, and a fiery, red-haired visage of a human mortal steps out from it.

Rhonin: "You rang?"

Chorus of Greek muses sing: "_Rhonin Redhairrr—Saviorrr of the Universeee_!"

Thrall: "Huh… Note to self: Hire personal fanfare."

Rhonin shrugs: "Perks of the job; along with banging a fine-ass High Elf chick."

Muses: "_Because he has the largest di —!"_

Rhonin: "Ladies, ladies, save it for dinner."

Muses: "_Pot roast!"_

Rhonin: "Anyways…you rang for a little deus ex machina?"

Thrall: "Yeah, we have this problem with the Lich King, you see? He's all 'APOCALYPSE!', and menacing people from his frozen throne."

Rhonin: "Ah, yes, the classic arch-villain."

Saurfang: "Did he just…distort time and space…?"

Thrall: "We need to find a way to stop him, before he becomes all-powerful."

Saurfang: "Isn't this a fantasy setting?"

Rhonin: "Like that story about the machine that gets transported back in time?"

Thrall: "The unstoppable killing thing? What's its name… Deathinator, Killinator…?"

Saurfang: "Warchief, do you even _know_ this human?"

Rhonin: "I think he terminates things. Maybe that's the name of it: The Terminus, or something?"

Thrall: "Stupid name for a story, that."

Saurfang: "Speaking of stupid plot ideas: where did Garrosh get off to?"

Rhonin: "I know, right? Going back in time and killing people before they can even fathom their destiny. What a terrible way to distort the very fabric of the timeline!"

Thrall: "What idiots! Who do they think they are? Time travel is dangerous!"

Saurfang: "I have a bad feeling about this one…"

Rhonin: "So, what's your plan?"

Thrall: "Well, seeing as all this happened because the Burning Legion came to Azeroth—let's make sure they don't find Azeroth in the first place."

Saurfang: "So…you're going to stop Queen Azshara from abusing the Well of Eternity, attracting the Legion, and summoning Sargeras?"

Rhonin: "Wait, Queen?"

Saurfang: "Yes, it was said that Queen Azshara was an elven woman of a beauty without peer, and that she—"

Rhonin disappears through a portal.

**Ten-thousand or so years ago…**

Azshara: "How's my hair? Dammit, how is my hair?! I look like a trailer trash tramp, and Mister Sargeras is a VERY classy spirit. This will not do! This will not do at all!"

Rhonin portals in, grinning.

Azshara: "Who are you, and why do you intrude into MY bedroom?"

Rhonin: "I am Rhonin Redhair." Rhonin cocks both fingers at her. "And I'm the wizard that'll do you."

**Ten-thousand or so years later…**

Thrall: "Huh…that felt kinda funny."

Saurfang: "Ugh, I think I'm going to be sick…"

Rhonin portals back in, grinning even wider.

Muses: "_He had extra-marital sexxx!"_

Rhonin: "Yes I did!"

Saurfang peers outside.

Saurfang: "Warchief, the continents still seem to be sundered! The lands have not changed in the slightest!"

Thrall: "Since when were you Mr. Exposition, Saurfang?"

Rhonin: "Oh, that? Well, you see…Sargeras' minor avatar came through, and we had a bit of a competition for the Queen's favor, and this led to that, and some drinks were had, and we had a bit of a dragging contest with extensions of our body that will go unnamed…and some Elixirs of Giant Growth were involved…a LOT of them. Well…let's just say, I won."

Muses: "_Rhonin Redhair's magnificent di—!"_

Rhonin: "Ladies, ladies, calm yourselves."

Saurfang: "I…don't want to know."

Kok'ron Guard: "Warchief, the Ambassador of the Fire Elves is here to see you!"

Thrall/Saurfang: "Fire Elves?"

Fire Elf Ambassador walks in.

Ambassador: "Warchief, we—"

Ambassador sees Rhonin.

Ambassador: "Squee! It's Rhonin Redhair! Oh my God! Oh my Physical, Fiery God! I knew this most rapturous day would come, Oh Ye of the Doer of the Great and Beautiful Queen Azshara! Let all of the Fire Elves celebrate your Second Coming!"

Saurfang: "Oh, the innuendo…"

Ambassador's fiery red hair blazes, literally. As in, it literally catches fire.

Ambassador: "For you, the Fire of our people glows—ahh! Ahh! Hot! Hot!"

The Fire Elf Ambassador's clothes catch fire, and he slumps to the ground, dead of third-degree burns and asphyxiation. Twitch.

Thrall: "…"

Saurfang: "…"

Thrall: "Well, I don't see anything wrong with that."

Saurfang: "Me neither."

Rhonin: "Time travel is so awesome!"


	7. Help Wanted

**At Icecrown Citadel…**

Lady Deathwhisper: "So, the Lich King fan club meets at 2 PM—"

Arthas, looks off into the distance, bored: "Uh-huh…"

Deathwhisper: "And there'll be an autograph event for the long unlife members of the Cult of the Damned—"

Arthas: "Uh-huh…"

Deathwhisper: "And at 3 PM, there'll be a meet-and-greet plus photo shoot with the Post-lifers for the Affectionate Welfare of Small animals; or PAWS."

Arthas: "Wait…Affectionate what of what?"

Deathwhisper: "Welfare of Small animals, my most Cruelest of Kings."

Arthas: "Yes, I understand that part. However—"

Arthas begins to rise from his throne.

Arthas: "We are the blight upon the lands, the darkness that consumes all—the Scourge! We do not—"

Arthas: "Eh…"

Arthas plops heavily back into his throne.

Arthas: "KT?"

KT looks up from his smaller throne, where he teases Mr. Bigglesworth with a feather.

KT: "What?"

Arthas: "…"

KT: "Oh, right-t-t… This from the guy who resurrected his dead horse, and put wings on it."

Arthas mimics KT: "'This from the guy, neh neh neh, blah blah blah.'"

KT: "I mean, really, my King; overcompensating much for your terrible childhood? How did they manage to affix wings to a horse, anyways?"

Arthas: "I'll have you know, they can put them on spines, nowadays."

KT: "Five-thousand gold a month in R&D, and this is what we come up with."

All of a sudden, Blood-Queen Lana'thel bursts into the room!

Lana'thel: "The Living, they have breached the Citadel!"

KT, still playing with Mr. Bigglesworth: "Old news. Someone obviously didn't get the memo…"

Arthas: "Hold on a second, here. Who is this?"

KT: "Oh, her? That's one of our temp hires. She sucks blood."

Arthas: "Oh, like a vampire?"

KT: "A what?"

Arthas: "You know? Vampire? Fangs, coffins, doesn't do well in sunlight, turns into bats?"

KT: "I don't get it."

Arthas: "I—"

Suddenly, Bronjham bursts into the room, and immediately cuts into a sliding-across-the-floor dance.

Bronjahm: "I said—uhn—I said—ooh—I said, I said: Uhn, good unGod, your Most Highliness, the Living are here!"

Bronjahm claps his hands together, spins around once, and slides around the floor.

Arthas: "Who the fuck raised James Brown? KT, we pinky-swore: No raising dead performers, did we not?"

KT: "Umm…" .

Arthas: "Look at Heigen!"

Heigen looks up from the Death Death Revolution machine, sparkles flying everywhere.

KT: "But Heigen is the Lord of the Dance."

Arthas: "Heigen is a no-life having, manchild-corpse retard!"

Heigen: "But at least I have all the high-scores."

Arthas: "And he smells!"

KT: "Well, I can't contest that…"

Arthas: "Really, KT? I'm the freaking Lich King! I command an army of infinite size! Why do I need so many…pseudo-sentient, cloud-headed…IDIOTS working under me?"

Krick and Ick burst into the room!

Krick: "Sire, the—"

Arthas: "GNOMEEESSS!!!"

**Meanwhile, at the base of Icecrown Citadel…**

Human Paladin: "So, we're all in agreeance, then? The undead things go first, and then the Gnomes, and then the Orcs."

Forsaken Priest: "Why, that's positively, um…"

Human Priest: "Deadist? Lifeist?"

Forsaken Priest: "Whatever! It's a load of Taurenshit, is what it is!"

Human Paladin: "Yeah, you go in there and cast your Holy spells and heal people, because you're expendable. I mean: you're dead."

Forsaken Priest: "My Holy Spells are not—"

Forsaken Priest explodes in brilliant, golden Light.

Human Priest: "Dammit, Paladin, why'd you have to point out how the Light works to them?"

Human Paladin: "It's funny, because it's contradictory?"

Another Forsaken Priest approaches.

Forsaken Priest: "Sucks to be that guy. What happened?"

Human Paladin: "Oh, he realized he was using the Light as an Undead."

Forsaken Priest: "Really?"

Forsaken Priest explodes.

Human Priest facepalms.

Another Forsaken Priest approaches.

Human Paladin: "I could do this all day. :3"

**Later, in the Hall of Reflections…**

Arthas chases Lady Sylvanas Windrunner and her cadre of adventurers down a long passage.

Arthas, heaving for breath as he shambles along: "I shouldn't have had that last doughnut…"

Adventurer Tank: "Oh, Light save us! He's approaching menacingly at the speed of a trudge! We're all doomed!"

Adventurer Healer: "Wait, weren't we attacking the Citadel to beat this guy? I mean…we're running? Doesn't that mean we can't beat him, and if we can't beat him here…"

Sylvanas: "Quickly, adventurers, take your sharp logic and fleet feet, and retreat to fight another day! I'll stay and hold him off as long as I can."

Adventurer DPS: "I don't remember this part in the script."

Adventurer DPS: "Oh, look, there's a loot chest on that airship!"

Adventurers: "Yea, material reward!"

Adventurers climb aboard and depart. A few moments later, Arthas catches up to Sylvanas. The two share a moment of quiet, intense staring.

Arthas: "Since when were you a half-elf, Sylvanas?"

Sylvanas: "Like, whatever do you mean, Lichy Boy? I'm, like, pure elf, you know?"

Arthas leans in closer, wrapping Sylvanas into a passionate embrace the Dark Lady returns.

Arthas whispers in Sylvanas' ear: "How would you like a little human in you?"

Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

**Five minutes later…**

KT cruises by, stops, stares…and his eyes melt out of their sockets.

KT: "Oh, how fortunate."

Jaina Proudmoore teleports in.

Jaina: "Slut."

Jaina Proudmoore teleports out.


	8. Spoileriffic!

**At the Frozen Throne…**

Arthas: "Wow, unholy crap, I just plain died."

Arthas dies, plainly.

Kel'thuzad: "Oh, my King, I lament your end was so…boring."

Tirion: "Is Arthas' ghost father holding him up, even though he has no physical form? I don't get it. Did physics take a lunch break? In fact…where's Sylvanas, or Jaina? Hell, where's—oh hey, Bolvar."

Bolvar: "'Sup."

Tirion: "You're looking quite well…done."

Bolvar: "Hahah, your sense of humor is the pinnacle of your writer's achievements."

Tirion: "Totally didn't see you come in, nor take up your spot on the Frozen Throne. Even though I was standing here the entire time."

Bolvar: "Yeah, I'm dual-specced ninja. So is Arthas' corpse."

Tirion: "Arthas' corpse went missing? Wow, there might be a conspiracy theory, or two, in here."

Bolvar: "I know, right? I'm not even sure how I'm still living, either. This kinda hurts."

Tirion: "Least you're warm."

Bolvar: "Hey, I know how to fish, too."

Tirion: "So…blah blah blah, 'There shall always be a Lich King' blah. I'm going to put this helmet on, and sacrifice my long-lived life for the greater good."

Bolvar: "I can't let you do that, Tirion."

Tirion: "What?"

Bolvar: "I'm a cripple, you see? Well, not a full-out cripple; but all my skin has burned off, and you can toss me aside easily and forget all about me, so I can be the Lich King."

Tirion: "Wow, that could be easily misconstrued as offensive to handicapped people and burn victims."

Bolvar: "Well, the alternative was your poignant, heroic sacrifice. However, this is simply easier."

Tirion: "All the loose ends are tied up, the invalid makes the sacrifice, good prevails, and we have a long, extended laugh after the credits?"

Bolvar: "Exactly."

Tirion: "My only question, is: What will you do after you become the Lich King?"

Bolvar: "That's your only question, Tirion? I thought you'd ask whether or not I can endure the madness wrought by the Frozen Throne, and my ambiguous link that may or may not exist with Ner'zhul."

Tirion: "I thought the madness came from Frostmourne? Which…is curiously absent."

Bolvar: "Hell if I know. I don't plan on dwelling on it too much. Now, crown me."

Tirion crowns Bolvar the new Lich King.

Bolvar: "Wow…"

Bolvar's voice deepens.

Bolvar: "I can see forever…and Russia, from here."

Tirion: "You have full control over all of the Scourge. They are fully obedient to your deepest desires. You could say…make them all jump off a cliff, if you wanted."

Bolvar: "Or gather them all up here at the Citadel, or some other gathering location, and you, the Dragons, the Naaru, or someone else can just blast them all from existence; thus, ending the threat of the Scourge, and invalidating my position as the Lich King."

Tirion: "Right, what's a Lich King without servants, but an ice cube with emo armor? And no Frostmourne. Where did that evil, corrupting, soul-stealing sword go, anyways?"

Bolvar: "I could also return free will to all undead still capable of retaining it, such as the Forsaken."

Tirion: "You could also just tell them to stop what they're doing, or even use them against present foes or future foes; such as insane dragons that sunder Azeroth."

Bolvar: "I know, right? Hell, I could command the Scourge to build schools, pave roads, clean up deforestation, and man soup lines for the poor. I am a Living God of the Undead, now."

Tirion: "All awesome ideas. Is that your plan?"

Bolvar: "Nope, I think I'll just encase myself in ice, shoo you away, and we'll never speak of this incident again."

Tirion: "Standard narrative procedure, then?"

Bolvar: "Exactly. Now, away with you."

**A few months later…**

Deathwing emerges.

Deathwing: "AFTER AN INDETERMINABLE PERIOD OF TIME, DEATHWING IS FREE! TIME TO DESTROY AZEROTH!"

A'dal: "Khadgar, Deathwing's escaped! Recruit a team of Trolls with attitude!"

Mad guitar riffs play.

Troll 1: "Aspect of the Monkey Power!"

Troll 2: "Aspect of the Hawk Power!"

Troll 3: "Aspect of the Viper Power!"

Troll 4: "Aspect of the Dragonhawk Power!"

Troll 5: "Aspect of the Beast Power!"

…

Trolls 1-4 laugh at Troll 5.

A'dal: "Melee Hunter noob."

Go go, Face Rolled Overpowered Hunters! You Face Rolling Overpowered Huntersss!

**Back at Icecrown Citadel…**

Bolvar, the new Lich King: "Gee, I really should do—"

**At Ogrimmar…**

Dragonhawk Hunter: "He's too powerful, mon!"

Hawk Hunter: "And da size of a city!"

A'dal: "Quickly, Overpowered Hunters, the only counter to a dragon of such immense size and insanity, is to form…"

Khadgar: "No, A'dal…not that!"

Kael'thalas: "Sunwell Island was merely a setback!"

A'dal: "SHUT UP, ELF! WE'RE RIPPING OFF TV SHOWS, OVER HERE!"

A'dal: "Now, Overpowered Hunters, you must form…Mecha-Ogrimmar."

All the Goblins and Gnomes go, "Squee!"


End file.
